I`m a child of the 80s, as you might be able to notice by looking at my obsessions on this here blog. I grew up in what you could rougly call the "Greater Toronto Area" - not in Toronto, but near enough to consider the Maple Leafs the 'home team', anyway.
Now I never had any reason when I was a kid to believe that my religious beliefs or religious upbringings were in any way 'out of the ordinary' - so even though that Canadian secularism extends so thoroughly even to ten-year-olds that I don't actually know what the religious beliefs of my friends were back then (even my best of friends), I can take a stab at it. This is more or less what seemed 'normal' to me back then.
We weren't Christians, really. I think if you'd pinned down any of my friends back then and asked what religion they were, most would probably shrug and say, "Christian", or some subcategory (Catholic, Protestant, or one of the many baffling sub-sub-categories there: Presbyterian, United, whatever). I suppose I had a vague sense of my own taxonomical classification there: Christian, then Protestant, then... well, my father called himself United and my mother called herself Baptist. I can recall at different times having both of those labels affixed to me. None of it meant a single thing - no one in my family could explain what made a Baptist different from a United. Or any of those others. Catholic is what my aunt's husband was. Catholic people had a different school they might go to and perhaps they spoke French. They were all labels, that's all.
When I say, "We weren't Christians", I mean a few things. I heard the name Jesus enough when I was a kid, but it was always pretty vague. I had a good idea of what God was, and there was a decent amount of God talk, but Jesus seemed like a rather minor adjunct - like, say, Robin to God's Batman, or John Oates to God's Daryl Hall. Certainly the idea that Jesus was God seemed pretty remote - I'd heard it, but God had a white beard and Jesus had long brown hair, so obviously not.
Furthermore, we all seemed, more or less, to believe in Heaven. Hell was a bit dodgier - it seemed that Hell existed, but it was pretty much empty except for, well, Adolf Hitler and... well, other Nazis. The really, really bad Nazis. Never in my entire upbringing did I even once hear the idea expressed that only Christians went to Hell - and certainly not that the only determining factor regarding who went to Heaven and who went to Hell was who was Christian. I repeat - not once in all of my youth did I hear that idea.
I guess 'universalist' is what everyone was, more or less. It seemed like pretty much everone would go to Heaven. There was this sense that Heaven was another place - up there somewhere - where you would still live with your family and kind of carry on as you had done, except dead. Or an angel or whatever. Harp and wings strictly optional. Heaven was where your grandparents lived. Well, my grandparents lived in the Lawrence Heights housing projects at Lawrence and Allen Road... but that's frequently mistaken for Heaven.
And we were certainly all aware that there was such a thing as a Bible - some kids (none I knew personally, but they existed) went to school on Sunday just to learn about it. It was filled with stories we all vaguely knew - there was some guy and a whale, there was God parting a sea. Adam and Eve was a particularly cool one, involving a snake somehow. There was also a rabbit and a turtle who had a race with each other...
Or wait. Slight confusion of the source material. It didn't matter very much, though, because Aesop and the Bible were similar things: cool stories from days long gone by that were certainly nothing more that stories. if anyone told me that Jonah and the Whale differed from the Fox and the Grapes by being absolutely true and that anyone who questions its truth is going to go to Hell... well, I think most of us woudl have dismissed such a person as simple.
It's interesting in retrospect looking back on those days. Canada is seen as a majority Christian country, more in line with the USA than with Europe. But by any useful definition of 'Christian', I'm not sure if I knew a single one growing up. Well, I did know one, one who could actually cite Bible quotations by book and verse. But that person was very clearly a minority, and seemed very, very alien to the rest of us. Whatever statistics-gathering organisations would have labelled both that kid and me as 'Christian' was making a category that had no practical meaning at all.
Showing posts with label Jesus Christ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus Christ. Show all posts
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Ten Noteworthy Jesuses, Part 1
The wide world of Jesus... There are a million different Jesuses out there, and here are ten attention-getting ones. There are plenty more, so expect a sequel. In the meantime, though, Jesus Ahoy!
| 1. | CHOCOLATE JESUS: "My Sweet Lord" by Cosimo Cavallaro is a work of art depicting Jesus and made from chocolate. While this is not the only example of a likeness of Jesus made from chocolate (Tom Waits has a song called "Chocolate Jesus", too, not that that has anything to do with anything), it's definitely the most controversial, having gotten all kinds of Christians upset, largely because Jesus is depicted in the anatomically-correct nude. His Christ-pose appears to be sans crucifix as well. | |
| 2. | HOMO SUPERIORIS: This is the theory, believed by nutballs, that DNA evidence from the bloodstains on Jesus's cross reveal that Jesus was not human after all - or at least, not quite human. He was, in fact, an entirely different species, Homo superioris, as identifiable by a triple helix as opposed to a double helix (representing the Trinity, surely). His being a different species explains his ability to perform miracles. | |
| 3. | MITSUO MATAYOSHI: Among the many lunatics claiming to be Jesus, a personal favourite must be The only God Mitsuo Matayoshi Jesus Christ, a politician in Japan who heads the World Economic Community Party, a party based around his own divinity as God and Jesus Christ. Part of his campaign for Second Coming involves being elected as Prime Minister of Japan, a position from which he can proceed to throw the corrupt into the Fire. So far he has been electorally unsuccessful. | |
| 4. | JESUS IN THE CLOUDS: Apparitions of Jesus are everywhere, and while the Toast Jesus and the Sofa Stain Jesus are awesome in their own way, I was most impressed by Jesus in the Clouds, a phenomenon where people around the world are apparently able to take more or less the same picture of a giant headless Jesus floating in the sky. The one I've included is apparently from the North Pole, but really you just have to check out the whole list here, which is intercontinental awesomeness. | |
| 5. | ORAL ROBERTS'S 900 FOOT JESUS: Another giant Jesus. This one comes courtesy of Oral Roberts, the slimy but extremely successful televangelist whose communications with the divine across the years apparently inspired him to buy a Buick and to claim that God would kill him if he couldn't recieve a few million dollars in donations. In 1980, a vision of a 900-foot Jesus appeared, telling Oral to build a hospital. | |
| 6. | GG ALLIN: GG Allin, a musician broadly classifiable as 'punk', had a 15-plus-year career based largely around varying kinds of 'shock'. His performances were very scatophilic, containing on-stage defecation or even the consumption of faeces in addition to plenty of blood and other enjoyable things. His lengthy discography is filled with songs such as "Suck My Ass It Smells" and "Last in Line for the Gang Bang". The reason he's on this list is because of the actual name given to him at birth by his father, who claimed Jesus had visited him: Jesus Christ Allin. A brother's incorrect pronunciation of this name led to the nickname "GG". | |
| 7. | JESUS LUZ: I could have filled this whole list with Hispanic people named 'Jesus'. The joke gets old. But this particular Jesus hangs around with Madonna, which is a pun way too good to overlook. He's apparently 22 and she's apparently 50. Which makes her old enough to, ahem, be his mother... | |
| 8. | THE JESUS OPTICAL ILLUSION: I don't get this one. Stare at the dots in the centre for a little while, then glance at a wall and see Jesus floating there. Well, obviously. It's a negative image of Jesus that your brain then reverts back. That black-and-white castle that you see in colour is way, way cooler. And so is that paper dragony-thing that always seems to be looking at you. That one might be evidence of a miracle. | |
| 9. | CESARE BORGIA: The Borgia family were a notoriously corrupt band of thugs in medieval Rome. Machiavelli's The Prince refers repeatedly to the Borgia clan and Cesare in particular, to the point that the behaviour today described as 'Machiavellian' describes the Borgias most of all. Cesare's father was pope, and as pope conspired to get as much power for Cesare as possible. Why he's here is because of the long-standing belief, attributed to Alexandre Dumas, that the (very European) image of Jesus we know now from countless paintings and imagery is in fact a picture of Cesar Borgia. Based on this painting, I'd have to say... I'm not sure. If I ran into Borgia on the street, I don't think I'd confuse him with Jesus. | |
| 10. | VICTOR GARBER IN "GODSPELL": A white afro, a heart painted on his forehead, a "Superman" t-shirt... this is pretty much how I, at least, have always pictured Jesus. | |
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