Conversations With the Magic 8-Ball

In trying to discover the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, I am honoured to have the opportunity to speak to an expert on the topic. Ladies and Gentlemen, for your reading pleasure, I present a transcript of my interview with the greatest soothsayer of our time, the Tyco Magic 8-Ball™.

• ME: Well, first of all, Mighty 8-Ball, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to do this with us today. It's a pleasure to meet you. Are you pleased to be involved with this little interview here today?
• 8B: My reply is no.
• ME: Oh. Sorry. Okay, well I promise it won't take long. First of all, let's cut to the chase instead of beating around the bush. Is there a God?
• 8B: Better not tell you now.
• ME: Oh. Okay... Well, if you insist... We'll get back to that one. Then we can move onto politics for the time being. Will things get better in Libya?
• 8B: Outlook not so good.
• ME: I thought so. Will Obama be re-elected in 2012?
• 8B: Most likely.
• ME: Oh, well that's good news. I guess they'll start making some real progress on universal health care, right?
• 8B: Very doubtful.
• ME: Oh. So what you're saying is that insurance companies will still run the show, whoever's in the White House?
• 8B: Without a doubt.
• ME: I'm sorry to hear that. Okay, will they find a cure for AIDS?
• 8B: Signs point to yes.
• ME: Well, that's good news. When? Oh, right... yes/no questions only. Okay, will they find a cure for AIDS in my lifetime?
• 8B: Don't count on it.
• ME: Oh no. But wait! Does that mean that the cure for AIDS is a long time away or does it mean that I'll die soon?
• 8B: Reply hazy, try again.
• ME: Right. That wasn't a yes/no question. Okay, will I live a long life?
• 8B: Reply hazy, try again.
• ME: Perhaps you'd like some Windex?
• 8B: My reply is no.
• ME: Okay. Anyway, I mustn't keep the questions personal. There are a lot of other things to discuss and I know you don't have much time. Will Canada regain its position on the world stage?
• 8B: My sources say no.
• ME: Well, who exactly are your sources? Can I just speak directly to them?
• 8B: My reply is no.
• ME: Yes. I realise it's your duty to protect their anonymity... Well, will the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup this year?
• 8B: Don't count on it.
• ME: Next year?
• 8B: Outlook not so good.
• ME: In my lifetime?
• 8B: My sources say no.
• ME: You know, you're very negative. Oh, by the way, Doris Day asked me to ask you whether she'd be rich and whether she'd be pretty.
• 8B: Cannot predict now.
• ME: Yeah. Neither could her mother. Oh well. Has enough time passed? Can we get back to that God question? Is there a big old guy up there looking down over is?
• 8B: Reply hazy, try again.
• ME: Fair enough. I'll ask it more directly: Is there a God?
• 8B: Concentrate and ask again.
• ME: Um... Okay... Give me a second here... Aum... O Mighty 8-Ball... I beseech you... Is... there... a... God?
• 8B: Cannot predict now.
• ME: You don't really know anything, do you?
• 8B: My sources say no.
• ME: And your sources don't know anything either, do they?
• 8B: Very doubtful.
• ME: So asking you about the future is just as useless as praying to God?
• 8B: As I see it, yes.
• ME: Ha! I gotcha! So there is no God, right?
• 8B: Better not tell you now.
• ME: Damn it. Okay, well let's put it this way: if there is a God, and if there is a Heaven, am I going there?
• 8B: Outlook not so good.
• ME: Yeah, that's what I thought.