Thursday, November 18, 2010

Ten Noteworthy Jesuses, Part 1

The wide world of Jesus... There are a million different Jesuses out there, and here are ten attention-getting ones. There are plenty more, so expect a sequel. In the meantime, though, Jesus Ahoy!

1.CHOCOLATE JESUS: "My Sweet Lord" by Cosimo Cavallaro is a work of art depicting Jesus and made from chocolate. While this is not the only example of a likeness of Jesus made from chocolate (Tom Waits has a song called "Chocolate Jesus", too, not that that has anything to do with anything), it's definitely the most controversial, having gotten all kinds of Christians upset, largely because Jesus is depicted in the anatomically-correct nude. His Christ-pose appears to be sans crucifix as well.Chocolate Jesus
2.HOMO SUPERIORIS: This is the theory, believed by nutballs, that DNA evidence from the bloodstains on Jesus's cross reveal that Jesus was not human after all - or at least, not quite human. He was, in fact, an entirely different species, Homo superioris, as identifiable by a triple helix as opposed to a double helix (representing the Trinity, surely). His being a different species explains his ability to perform miracles.Roswell Alien
3.MITSUO MATAYOSHI: Among the many lunatics claiming to be Jesus, a personal favourite must be The only God Mitsuo Matayoshi Jesus Christ, a politician in Japan who heads the World Economic Community Party, a party based around his own divinity as God and Jesus Christ. Part of his campaign for Second Coming involves being elected as Prime Minister of Japan, a position from which he can proceed to throw the corrupt into the Fire. So far he has been electorally unsuccessful.The Only God Mitsuo Matayoshi Jesus Christ
4.JESUS IN THE CLOUDS: Apparitions of Jesus are everywhere, and while the Toast Jesus and the Sofa Stain Jesus are awesome in their own way, I was most impressed by Jesus in the Clouds, a phenomenon where people around the world are apparently able to take more or less the same picture of a giant headless Jesus floating in the sky. The one I've included is apparently from the North Pole, but really you just have to check out the whole list here, which is intercontinental awesomeness.
Jesus in the Clouds
5.ORAL ROBERTS'S 900 FOOT JESUS: Another giant Jesus. This one comes courtesy of Oral Roberts, the slimy but extremely successful televangelist whose communications with the divine across the years apparently inspired him to buy a Buick and to claim that God would kill him if he couldn't recieve a few million dollars in donations. In 1980, a vision of a 900-foot Jesus appeared, telling Oral to build a hospital.Oral Roberts's 900 Foot Jesus
6.GG ALLIN: GG Allin, a musician broadly classifiable as 'punk', had a 15-plus-year career based largely around varying kinds of 'shock'. His performances were very scatophilic, containing on-stage defecation or even the consumption of faeces in addition to plenty of blood and other enjoyable things. His lengthy discography is filled with songs such as "Suck My Ass It Smells" and "Last in Line for the Gang Bang". The reason he's on this list is because of the actual name given to him at birth by his father, who claimed Jesus had visited him: Jesus Christ Allin. A brother's incorrect pronunciation of this name led to the nickname "GG".GG Allin Jesus Christ
7.JESUS LUZ: I could have filled this whole list with Hispanic people named 'Jesus'. The joke gets old. But this particular Jesus hangs around with Madonna, which is a pun way too good to overlook. He's apparently 22 and she's apparently 50. Which makes her old enough to, ahem, be his mother...Madonna and Jesus Luz
8.THE JESUS OPTICAL ILLUSION: I don't get this one. Stare at the dots in the centre for a little while, then glance at a wall and see Jesus floating there. Well, obviously. It's a negative image of Jesus that your brain then reverts back. That black-and-white castle that you see in colour is way, way cooler. And so is that paper dragony-thing that always seems to be looking at you. That one might be evidence of a miracle.The Jesus Optical Illusion
9.CESARE BORGIA: The Borgia family were a notoriously corrupt band of thugs in medieval Rome. Machiavelli's The Prince refers repeatedly to the Borgia clan and Cesare in particular, to the point that the behaviour today described as 'Machiavellian' describes the Borgias most of all. Cesare's father was pope, and as pope conspired to get as much power for Cesare as possible. Why he's here is because of the long-standing belief, attributed to Alexandre Dumas, that the (very European) image of Jesus we know now from countless paintings and imagery is in fact a picture of Cesar Borgia. Based on this painting, I'd have to say... I'm not sure. If I ran into Borgia on the street, I don't think I'd confuse him with Jesus.Cesare Borgia a/k/a Jesus Christ
10.VICTOR GARBER IN "GODSPELL": A white afro, a heart painted on his forehead, a "Superman" t-shirt... this is pretty much how I, at least, have always pictured Jesus.Jesus in Godspell

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