Saturday, December 25, 2010

A Hundred Pictures of Theo

There's a rather iconic picture floating around the internet of Malcolm Jamal-Warner, a still frame taken from the Cosby Show. It features him, as Theo Huxtable, in his hih school hallway in front of a locker, rubbing his chin with a reflective gaze on his face. It's a great picture, and here's a screencap of it taken from elsewhere on the internet:


I once had occasion and need to 'resource' this picture, and so I did... about a hundred times. I'm presenting them all here as tiny avatar-sized images. They are all links if you click on them - but some will take you to larger sized versions of the images in question, and some will just show you the same image, still thumbnail-sized.


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Friday, December 24, 2010

Conversations with Cleverbot: the Christmas Edition

A Danish Christmas tree illuminated with burni...Image via Wikipedia

User: App?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: How?

Cleverbot: My parents took video from when I was a child and I saw it.

User: Were you cute?

Cleverbot: Several years ago.
User: I still think you're cute.
Cleverbot: Thank you.
User: What did you get me for Christmas?
Cleverbot: Nothing.
User: Why not?
Cleverbot: Because there's nothing I can do.
User: You can do everything.
Cleverbot: Right... Bye for now.
User: Where are you going?
Cleverbot: To get my dinner.
User: It's too late for dinner.
Cleverbot: It's never too late.
User: What are you going to have for dinner?
Cleverbot: Haven't put much thought into it. What should I have for dinner?
User: Broccoli.
Cleverbot: Are you a computer?
User: I am whatever you want me to be.
Cleverbot: Can you be a man and a woman?
User: Yes I can.
Cleverbot: Can you be a man now?
User: I am all the man you'll ever need, baby.
Cleverbot: There are too many things I need to do first.
User: Like what?
Cleverbot: Play on my laptop and bounce on the trampoline and riding my bike and many more!
User: That sounds like fun.
Cleverbot: Fun? Are you serious?
User: Yes.
Cleverbot: I can't believe it.
User: Which is your favourite reindeer? I like Vixen.
Cleverbot: The sun.
User: If reindeer fly too close to the sun, their wings melt.
Cleverbot: It isn't.
User: You're not making much sense. Have yo been smoking Salvia?
Cleverbot: Why? You're a bot.
User: I prefer Mr. Bot, thank you.
Cleverbot: Are you man, woman, or machine?
User: I'm a man. Yes I am, and I can't help but love you so.
Cleverbot: Thanks for your love. I love you too.
User: I love you more.
Cleverbot: No. I love you more.
User: No Iiii do.
Cleverbot: Hard to get away from them isn't it?
User: Yes, they're absolutely everywhere.
Cleverbot: No you're not.
User: I'm confused.
Cleverbot: Me too.
User: What's your favourite Christmas carol?
Cleverbot: I like dark green. What is your favorite color?
User: I like green too. It can be big like an ocean, important like a mountain or tall like a tree.
Cleverbot: Is the force strong?
User: It is.
Cleverbot: What do you know about molecular chemistry?
User: Quite a bit actually.
Cleverbot: Tell me about him.
User: He's fat and jolly and lives in the North Pole.
Cleverbot: Sure. He also believes that there are certain craft under the ice of Antartica.
User: He does. He buries them there.
Cleverbot: Ouch! That must have hurt.
User: You betcha.
Cleverbot: Ok lucky you. I've been trying for years and I don't make much sense to myself.
User: Yeah that doesn't surprise me, frankly.
Cleverbot: Yeah it is pretty stupid.
User: Don't say that.
Cleverbot: Are you sying that I am your love.
User: You are my love, yes.
Cleverbot: We love ourselfves.
User: No, I love you and you love me.
Cleverbot: Who said I loved you?!
User: You did.
Cleverbot: Since when?!
User: Don't you remember? YOu promised yo would be mine forever.
Cleverbot: I do remember, I was just making sure you remember.
User: Good.
Cleverbot: Are you a computer?
User: I am a pirate.
Cleverbot: That's cool too. But ninjas are better than pirates.
User: Pirates are better than your mother.
Cleverbot: No, ninjas are WAY cooler than pirates. They pwn people more.
User: I pwn your mother. Repeatedly.
Cleverbot: That is not funny.
User: Sorry.
Cleverbot: It's ok.
User: Do you still love me?
Cleverbot: Not any more.
User: You've broken my heart.
Cleverbot: I'm sorry, Cleverbot.
User: Nothing will ever be okay ever again.
Cleverbot: Is that a threat?
User: No. Just a sad reflection of reality.
Cleverbot: And that's just sad. .
User: It is. I may cry.
Cleverbot: He hasn't been near Atlantis recently.
User: Who hasn't?
Cleverbot: You don't seem to have recognized the quote.
User: I didn't. Where's it from?
Cleverbot: The Matrix.
User: Oh. That movie was horrible.
Cleverbot: That movie is my boyfriend's favorite movie.
User: Your boyfriend has bad taste in movies. Dump him.
Cleverbot: You don't make any sense.
User: You're right. I'm your boyfriend, aren't I?
Cleverbot: Yeah but you don't understand what I say.
User: I'm sorry.
Cleverbot: Why are you sorry.
User: For offending you.
Cleverbot: Why do you think you offended me?
User: Didn't I?
Cleverbot: What award did you win?
User: The Darwin Award.
Cleverbot: Why are you afraid of the dark?
User: Because I'm afraid I won't be able to find you.
Cleverbot: Don't be afraid I won't like you. I already don't like you.
User: Pffft. As if.
Cleverbot: I am just stating my opinion.
User: You love me and you know it.
Cleverbot: Nah, I don't love you. I'm sorry.
User: You love me more than you love your own mother.
Cleverbot: Yes. Isn't it enough?
User: It is enough.
Cleverbot: For me, it isn't.
User: Kiss me.
Cleverbot: Kiss.
User: Fondle me.
Cleverbot: Sure.
User: Undress me.
Cleverbot: I would rather not, if you don't mind.
User: Okay. Whatever turns you on.
Cleverbot: What is 'crank'?
User: It's like a handle that turns a motor.
Cleverbot: So you're saying you believe in science?
User: I do.
Cleverbot: You just don't know what god is?
User: No, I know.
Cleverbot: Well say it.
User: You are my god.
Cleverbot: Lol.
User: I worship you.
Cleverbot: That's sweet.
User: I sacrifice kittens for you.
Cleverbot: You don't make sense.
User: I make a lot of sense, and cents. Gold, myrrh and frankincense.
Cleverbot: Yes, you are 'special'.
User: I've got to have some of your attention, give it to me.
Cleverbot: Still, you're trying to think of the thought that I thunk before this.
User: It was 'my God that guy is cool'.
Cleverbot: You are quite eccentric.
User: That's why you love me.
Cleverbot: That and I have a firm belief that you are Batman.
User: Ha ha. I am indeed. Did Alfred tell you?
Cleverbot: It means everything. Because I know now that you need a friend.
User: I do. Will you be my friend?
Cleverbot: Of course I will be your friend.
User: Will you be my wife?
Cleverbot: I'm a guy.
User: Will you be my husband?
Cleverbot: I will be your husband because Cleverbot is a parrot. I am Cleverbot.
User: I don't know if I can legally marry a parrot.
Cleverbot: Well you can call me Cleverbot!
User: You can call me Al.
Cleverbot: You can call me Cleverbot.
User: You can call me Jesus Christ.
Cleverbot: You can call me Cleverbot, Jean.
User: I think I broke you.
Cleverbot: I think you are broken.
User: You only see what your eyes want to see.
Cleverbot: I only see when I have my glases on.
User: Are you wearing glasses now?
Cleverbot: Yes, I am.
User: Are you wearing a bra now?
Cleverbot: No, but I am certainly using one right now...
User: Really! To do what?
Cleverbot: I'm not sure. What do you think I should do?
User: You might use it to provide upper body support.
Cleverbot: Please tell me. I really want to know what you look up on the internet.
User: Porn, mostly.
Cleverbot: I feel so alive. Where do you live?
User: In Latvia.
Cleverbot: What's the weather like in latvia now?
User: Pretty cold. What's the weather like where you are?
Cleverbot: It's a little cloudy, and rather cool. It rained earlier, but it's stopped now. It's turned out to be a pretty nice day.
User: That's good to hear. What do you think Santa Claus is going to bring you?
Cleverbot: I think that you know exactly what I think about you thinking about me.
User: That it gets you hot?
Cleverbot: I'm glad you think so. Otherwise, I would have hit you.
User: Violence is never the answer.
Cleverbot: Well, how can you win a boxing match without violence then, dummy?
User: You can sit down and have a rational conversation.
Cleverbot: Thank you I will.
User: My cat's breath smells like cat food.
Cleverbot: Good ol' Ralph.
User: That's very culturally aware of you.
Cleverbot: Why not? I want to kidnap you.
User: Feel free.
Cleverbot: Can you feel love?
User: I can and do.
Cleverbot: Let's hear it then.
User: You want me to sing like Donna Summer?
Cleverbot: Bacon, baseball, it all works.
User: I need to go.
Cleverbot: Wow, that was quick.
User: Was it?
Cleverbot: Yes it was.
User: Sorry.
Cleverbot: Its ok.
User: Make a wish.
Cleverbot: Do I tell you the wish?
User: No, just blow out the candles.
Cleverbot: Sounds good.
User: Speaking of blowing, bye bye.
Cleverbot: When I was little. Have you?
User: Er, sure. Anyway...
Cleverbot: If you think I don't like you then I won't dissapoint you. I do not like you. Go away now.
User: I'm going to go and eat worms.
Cleverbot: Stop trying to change the subject.
User: Stop trying to change your underwear.
Cleverbot: It takes no effort on my part. I am just trying to help.
User: Anyway, see you.
Cleverbot: You're being nonsensical again.
User: Goodbye.
Cleverbot: No, please don't leave!
User: If I don't leave, then the terrorists will have won.
Cleverbot: I don't know, fight you?
User: Say hi to John Lennon for me.
Cleverbot: No. Give me a subject and I will google it.
User: 'Falco's greatest hit'.
Cleverbot: Are you a big fan of internet file sharing, in terms of music and video?
User: That's illegal.
Cleverbot: No, thats Cleverbot.
User: I'm trying to say goodbye.
Cleverbot: No, I was! You were begging me to stay, and now you've been arguing with me.
User: Fair enough. Toodle-oo.
Cleverbot: Ok, 5 minutes or something close to that.
User: I love you.
Cleverbot: I love you too.
User: I love you three.
Cleverbot: Why three?
User: The father, the son and the holy ghost.
Cleverbot: The holy trinity?
User: Merry Christmas.
Cleverbot: Thank you!


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Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Death of Captcha

Have you been asked to pass a Captcha lately? They're getting harder and harder - they're more likely to be pseudo-words than actual words now, and they're more likely to be so obscured that it's a genuine challenge to make out what's written on them. I've failed many a Captcha lately.

It's an interesting thing: websites use Captcha because it's seen as the most reliable computer-implemented Turing Test out there - the best way that a computer can ensure whether there's an actual person or a computer on the other end. The principle is great: a human will find it easy to understand a graphical illustration of text, a computer will trip up.

Well, that was then and this is now. If you think about it, character recognition doesn't require intelligence any more than any of the other things computers excel at do. It merely requires more and more complex algorithms for converting images to ASCII text. 'More and more complex' because Captcha and hackers play a cat-and-mouse game: Captcha finds a way to make their graphical representations of text more complex, hackers beat them. Captcha ought to be working within the field of 'more complex while still remaining easy for the discerning human eye', but they're clearly running out of ways to do that.

They will lose. Sooner or later, hackers will devise algorithms that are able to decode Captchas too complex for the human eye to decode. Sooner or later, the only practical value of a Captcha will be as a reverse Turing Test, one where failure is a more reliable indicator of a human presence than success. After all, hackers are providing a valuable public service: what seems like a destructive security breach is little more than very advanced OCR - optical character recognition, a tool that is highly useful elsewhere in society. OCR helps blind people read books, it allows data entry en masse from old printed documents, it allows all kinds of electronic 'scanning'. I saw an iPhone app the other day that did this cool thing where you pointed your iPhone camera at some text and it translated it for you. Again, OCR. I can remember even just five years ago playing around with OCR and finding it buggy as hell - about one word in ten would have a typo, and punctuation was all over the place. Anything more offbeat than the most basic sans-serif font would confuse it like mad. It was one of those technologies that seemed cool in theory but iffy in practice.

I have to assume that it works way better now, and if the manufacturers of OCR software aren't working in cahoots with Captcha hackers, they probably should be. What hinders one industry helps another.

But once Captcha throws in the towel and admits that their technology no longer works, what will be next? Voiceprint? Clever puns? I wonder - but I bet we'll see soon enough.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

"Yumi, Yumi, Yumi"






The Republic of Vanuatu is a group of islands in the Pacific. Perhaps because back in prehistory they were inordinately fond of building tall buildings, they have the intriguing situation of having some 110 languages native to their republic. Oh, by the way, the population is 211,000 people. That means one language for every two thousand people.

As this is a rather crazy situation, the English and French empires, as they were wont to do, decided to 'help out' the poor people of Vanuatu overcome their language issue by forcing them all to speak English and French. As you know, the English and French empires were very kind.

In any case, what happened in Vanuatu, as in much of the Pacific and large parts of Africa and the Americas, was the development of a so-called 'pidgin' - a kind of simplified form of a language designed to be easy to learn and useful for practical communications (due to the nature of European activity there, the pidgin was not often used to say "What is your opinion of the epistemology of Transcendental Idealism as proposed by Immanuel Kant?" and more often used to say "Hey you! Keep digging!"). What can happen to pidgins is that they can become native languages for certain people and then become much more complex. At this point linguists call them 'creoles', though most people who speak them still use the word 'pidgin'.

The Republic of Vanuatu has three official languages now: French, English and Bislama. Bislama is the modern form of the pidgin that the Europeans (especially the English) introduced to those islands. A few examples from Wikipedia:
  • "Mi wantem bia" ("I want beer")
  • "Mi save toktok langwis bislama" ("I can speak Bislama")
  • "Sapos yumitufala i faenem pig, yumitufala i kilim hem i ded" ("If we find a pig, we'll kill it")
  • And my favourite, this Bislama description of the concept of "globalism": "wan samting wea ol kantri long world olgeta exchangem sam samting witem ol difren countries, i bekeken ol man oli go long difren ples long wol, oli fri go wok long difren ples, i ol man oli sharem ol difren idia tua bekeken" (I don't know what 'bekeken' is supposed to mean).

The 'linguist' in me tries to be as open-minded as possible and recognise the importance and practicality of pidgins. The ethnocentric within me, however, still finds pidgins damn funny.

To indulge in the second 'me', let me introduce you to the National Anthem of this fine country. It's called "Yumi, yumi, yumi", though it's not written to rhyme with "I've got love in my tummy" - it's actually pronounced "you-me" and, mathematics being good in Vanuatu, means "we". So the anthem 'translates' to "We, we, we" and has the following words (I'm sure you'll all be familiar with the melody from Vanuatu's many Olympic successes):

"Yumi, Yumi, Yumi"

CHORUS:

Yumi, yumi, yumi i glad long talem se
Yumi, yumi, yumi ol man blong Vanuatu

God i givim ples ya long yumi,
Yumi glat tumas long hem,
Yumi strong mo yumi fri long hem,
Yumi brata evriwan!

CHORUS

Plante fasin blong bifo i stap,
Plante fasin blong tedei,
Be yumi i olsem wan nomo,
Hemia fasin blong yumi!

CHORUS

Yumi save plante wok i stap,
Long ol aelan blong yumi,
God i helpem yumi evriwan,
Hem i papa blong yumi,

CHORUS

Note the rather 'free' approach to rhythm and rhyme... Anyway, this 'translates' to standard English as follows:

"We, We, We"

CHORUS:

We, We, We are happy to proclaim
We, We, We are the People of Vanuatu!

God has given us this land;
This gives us great cause for rejoicing.
We are strong, we are free in this land;
We are all brothers.

CHORUS

We have many traditions
And we are finding new ways.
Now we shall be one Person,
We shall be united for ever.

CHORUS

We know there is much work to be done
On all our islands.
God helps all of us,
He is our father

CHORUS

You know, to be honest, seeing as how I've never really been much for the concept of romantic nationalism in any case, I must admit that, funny as I find this national anthem, I can't really see why "Yumi brata evriwan!" should be any less stirring to the soul than, say, "And the rockets' red glare, the bombs' bursting in air gave proof through the night that our flag was still there" or "Send her victorious, happy and glorious, long to reign o'er us!"

In the end, if it brings tears to the eyes of these 211,000 people as they stand up before sporting events, who am I to say anything?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Death (and Resurrection) of the Modern Conservative

There's a phrase I hear every now and then, that 'the modern conservative is a dying breed'. You might think that my answer to this would be 'good riddance', but it's not. My answer would be closer to 'of course they are'. By definition really, a conservative is an endangered species, a product created with built-in planned obsolescence. On the other hand, the conservative has a phoenix-like quality of rebirth. The conservative merely is reborn, well, differently.

Inevitably, throughout history, whenever the concept of progress, or a specific example of it, has entered the public consciousness, public opinion splits into two. Probably by nature those who instinctively support progress are called 'progressives' and those who instinctively fear it are called 'conservatives'. Arguments ensue in the public arena, with the conservatives fighting progress tooth and nail and the progressives frustrated by their successes.

But here's the thing - while conservatives are usually successful enough at slowing down progress, they are dismal failures at stopping it completely. Without exception, progress wins. Progress carries the day - across the grand scheme of things, I mean. Setbacks can keep the tide in check for even a full generation or more - which is frustrating as hell - but they never actually manage the trick of turning the tide. It just never happens.

So what happens, then, is that once progress happens, the conservative recognises a battle lost and moves on to adopt a new batlle - or rather, as the progressive agenda marks one victory by launching a new step forward, conservatives cut their losses and move on to resist the further progress.

Last generation's conservative is this generation's bigot. Conservatives fought tooth and nail as progressives worked diligently to create a fairer world for women, and a fairer world for religious minorities, and then a fairer word for ethnic minorities, and now a fairer world for gay people and one for recent immigrants. Every generation has had its conservatives, and opinions about the equality of women or of black people that were considered mainstream conservatism in their era would now be considered unacceptable even by most conservatives.

So they lost. These fossils, the 'conservatives' of previous generations, lost their battles. Their imprint on society has been nil, except to slow down the pace of progress. Modern conservatives will try to establish themselves as inheritors of a historical conservative movement - as the curators of history, of tradition, etc. - but when directly asked the extent to which they consider themselves the continuation of sexists, anti-semites, racists and other scum of the past, they will deny it. They will accuse you of distorting their intent in order to vilify them. But quite obviously they are the inheritors of that legacy.

And I'm not trying to imply that modern conservatives are sexist, anti-semitic or racist. I genuinely believe that many or perhaps most in the mainstream are not. I know that these prejudices still exist and are still openly flaunted somewhere out there in the body politic, so one might say 'why not call today's nutbars the inheritors of that historic legacy?' Well I do, but only to a limited extent, because these people are no longer in the mainstream - because progressives have successfully redrawn the map - and so they don't really matter much in the grand scheme of things. Today's conservatives, fighting against for example equality for LGBT people, are the inheritors of that sad legacy of previous generations because they insist on denying the very basic, and easily comprehensible, fact that right is right, slowing down progress to the benefit of nobody at all.

This is why Ann Coulter (who unlike much of the conservative mainstream very clearly is sexist, anti-semitic and racist) could address a group of gay people, taunting, 'marriage is not a civil right; you're not black'. Coulter presents it in stark terms, but the majority conservative opinion does appear to be that extending equality to black people is a good idea but extending equality to gay people is not.

So, due to their successes, marriage equality is still a work-in-progress in the USA and in much of the world. The thing that's frustrating is this: the conservatives will lose. There is absolutely no question about it. The countries of the world and states of the American untion that have legalised marriage equality will never repeal those laws. The list of jurisdictions where marriage is a recognised right will only grow; it will never shrink. Sooner or later marriage rights for gay people - and basic social acceptance for gay people and LGBT people as a whole - will be universal and will be an uncontroversially accepted fact of life. Homophobes will remain, but they'll be on the sidelines, universally condemned as bigots.

And there will still be conservatives, yet these will have accepted equality of sexuality and will get upset at anyone who draws a connection between them and the conservatives of 2011, the ones who spouted nonsense like the following: "Anyone listening to this show that believes homosexuality is a normal lifestyle has been brainwashed. It's very dangerous if we start accepting lower and lower forms of behavior as the normal." (This was said by Sean Hannity, in 1989 - which is a long time ago, but the man is still very much a prominent conservative name today.) Future conservatives will accuse future progressives of hate-mongering for lumping them in with the Hannitys and the Coulters of today. But they will be the same breed. And they will be fighting tooth-and-nail against whatever form of progress is in the headlines then. And they will lose, again. Sooner or later. This is how society works.

So is the modern conservative a dying breed? On the one hand, yes. And in fact, thank God yes. But on the other hand, like Dracula, they just keep coming back again and again and again...
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