Showing posts with label Language. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Language. Show all posts

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Secular Sunday Sermon: Confounding Their Language


And in the land of Shinar, they started building a tower to the heavens. Seeing this, God got worried that "now nothing will be restrained from them". So, he vowed to stop it. And these were his words:
Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech. (Genesis 11:7)
Or, at least, those were his words as recorded in 1611 in the confounded language of England. 216 years previous to that, that same confounded language, then a peasant tongue under Norman French control, would have read:
And scheende we there the tunge of hem, that ech man here not the voys of his neiybore.
And, furthermore, 362 years after the first one, this particular product of God's judgement had been confounded (or scheended) enough as it had spread around the world in waves of destruction to the point where it would come out as:
Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.
And confounded and confused we remain. On the other hand, how can we, confounded as we are, know these exact 'words of God'? Perhaps what God said was this:
הָבָה, נֵרְדָה, וְנָבְלָה שָׁם, שְׂפָתָם--אֲשֶׁר לֹא יִשְׁמְעוּ, אִישׁ שְׂפַת רֵעֵהוּ
After all, in the plateaux of the Middle East, in captivity in Babylon (that same city!) the early Israelites would have kept God's words alive in repetition of these words (approximately), in a certain variety of the language that all but confounded itself out of existence for more than a thousand years until being revived in the mid-19th century.

Of course, perhaps not. Jesus would have recounted these words approximately like this:
ܬܘ ܢܚܘܬ ܘܢ̇ܦܠܓ ܬܡ̇ܢ ܠܫ̈ܢܐ. ܕܠܐ ܢܫܡܥܘܢ ܓܒܪ ܠܫܢ ܚܒܪܗ
If Jesus was either God himself or the Son of God, perhaps this is the actual language of God, the one that he used in order to say "Let there be light" to no-one in particular. Interesting that we, confounded as we are by God's judgement, have allowed this particular tongue to fade almost completely off the earth, surviving only in a few small Near East villages where the locals in any case probably speak it only as a second language, if at all.

Alternately, there's a good chance that God might have said this:
هَيَّا نَنْزِلْ إِلَيْهِمْ وَنُبَلْبِلْ لِسَانَهُمْ، حَتَّى لاَ يَفْهَمَ بَعْضُهُمْ كَلامَ بَعْضٍ
As over a billion people today believe this to be the language of God. Perhaps it is. Did God predict that this particular confounding of languages would, thousands of years later, lead to the creation of a country called Sudan, where speakers of this confounded tongue would use their government and militias to oppress and kill speakers of other confounded tongues? Did God predict Lebanon, wherein different speakers of this same confounded tongue would kill each other based on their interpretation of God?

Maybe not. On a tiny little island in the Irish Sea called 'Man', the locals once would have repeated God's words to each other like this:
Tar-jee, lhig dooin goll sheese, as ayns shen coyrt shaghrynys er y ghlare oc, nagh vod yn derrey-yeh toiggal glare yn jeh-elley.
Since 1974, however, the residents of that island quote God only in the confounded language at the top of this article. Manx, now studied only in universities, is but one of the many confounded tongues that the English language has wiped off the face of the planet. And the English language is not the only criminal. Some report God's words this way:
Laten Wij afdalen en hun verschillende talen geven, zodat zij elkaar niet meer begrijpen!
Many of them moved far from their homeland to the southern tip of Africa, where they further confounded their speech until it arrived at this:
Kom, laat Ons neerdaal en hulle taal daar verwar, sodat die een die taal van die ander nie kan verstaan nie.
Thereafter, they (together with speakers of the topmost confounded language in this article) used that confounded language as a weapon - using their skin colour to keep down and subjugate other people - to force their specific interpretation of God onto the locals, to the point that they themselves, struggling until recently under an oppressive Apartheid régime, might well report God's words this way:
Yizani, sihle, sidube khona apho intetho yabo, ngokokuze bangevani ngentetho.
Meanwhile, neighbours to the English and Dutch had confounded their variety of Latin to the point where they reported God's words like this:
Allons! descendons, et là confondons leur langage, afin qu'ils n'entendent plus la langue, les uns des autres.
Having driven to near extinction the spoken traditions of their neighbours, who would have rendered those same words as either
Jatsi gaitezan, ba, eta izkuntza naastu dagiegun, batak bestearen izkerea ulertu ez dagien
or
Yao, diskennomp war an Douar, ha taolomp ar c'hemmesk en o yezh, evit na vo mui komprenet an eil gant an egile
they proceeded to travel the world as their English and Dutch (and Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Belgian and German) neighbours had. They came to West Africa, where their missionaries taught the locals about a God who once said:
Zo mu sauka, mu dagula harshensu, domin kada su fahimci maganar juna
Having spread the Word, they then herded these people onto boats crossing the ocean, confounding not only their languages but their cultures, identities and senses of self in order to use them as mere chattel to grow sugar and coffee. Partially mollified by the language-confounding God they had been forced to adopt (yet partially encouraged by the African deities they had not fully abandoned), these children of God slowly mutated their captors' language to the point that they recited God's words to each other like this:
Bon. N'ap desann, n'ap mele lang yo. Konsa, yonn p'ap ka konprann sa lòt ap di.
And so God's European children continued to spread their confounded tongues throughout the Americas, Africa, South and South-East Asia and Oceania, bringing God's word and transforming it into a sword (or machine gun) - leaving in their wake not only the dead bodies of certain speakers of other confounded languages but also the dead bodies of the confounded languages themselves.

In committing rampant linguicide (a language dies every two weeks in our modern world), are we offending God? Recreating the Tower of Babel? Will God have to return for a second judgement? Will we wake up one morning again unable to understand each other? And have to abandon the internet?

Or perhaps one day in the future, we will build that tower and speak that common language. But perhaps it won't be this one. In the far East, God's confounding efforts have had particularly mixed results, as despite the presence of hundreds of languages there, more than a billion of God's confounded subjects (the largest number in the world) would write down God's words like this:
我 們 下 去 , 在 那 裡 變 亂 他 們 的 口 音 , 使 他 們 的 言 語 彼 此 不 通 。
All the more remarkable, in that they would say these words in any of eight different ways but write them the same way - thus sidestepping the Lord's judgement. Perhaps the modern Tower of Babel is the written word - a tower of words that reaches to the heavens. They used paper instead of stone, and ink for mortar. A tower so indestructible that not even God can eliminate it - a tower that converts itself into pulses of electronic zeroes and ones and scatters itself to every corner of the globe.

And thus the real message of Babel becomes clear - try as he may, God can never overcome the human impulse to come together. Try as he may, he can confound our languages but he cannot confound our humanity and solidarity. Our tower will be built, we will reach to the heavens. We will not be scattered over the face of the earth.

Whatever God says, whatever God does.
_____

Note: the translations of Genesis 11:7 are as follows, in order they appear:
  1. Early Modern English (King James)
  2. Middle English (Wycliffe)
  3. Modern English (New International)
  4. Hebrew
  5. Aramaic
  6. Arabic
  7. Manx Gaelic
  8. Dutch
  9. Afrikaans
  10. Xhosa
  11. French
  12. Basque
  13. Breton
  14. Hausa
  15. Kreyòl ayisyen
  16. Chinese (traditional)
Note #2: Hausa is actually spoken by people who are primarily Muslim and were not extensively used in the slave trade. But it's one of only a few French West African languages I could find Genesis translated into.



Thursday, June 2, 2011

Yes and No


Who'd have thought there's something to learn about 'yes' and 'no'? Certainly it doesn't get much simpler that those two words, does it?

Well, I've often heard lamentation about the lack of a word like the French 'si' or the German 'doch' in English. In honesty, the number of situations where ambiguity can occur, and where the ambiguity is not recognised and corrected by the speaker immediately, isn't all that great, it still is nice to have distinct ways to answer the questions, 'are you coming?' and 'aren't you coming?'

(A sidebar... there are some languages where the dialogue, "Aren't you coming?" "No.", means 'I am coming' (i.e. what you asked me is wrong) - a kind of double-negative-cancellation thing that is probably more logical than the current English tradition of saying 'yes' to mean 'my answer is expressed with a verb in the positive, regardless of how you asked me the question'. I mention this not only because i think it's cool but because it outlines the need for a word like 'si'.)

So here's the thing: it turns out that in Shakespeare's time, there was such a word: 'yes'. Before WTFing me too extensively, allow me to explain: in Shakespeare's time, the typical 'affirmative word' was 'yea'. In other words, the 'base' word, the one we normally use 'yes' for, was in Early Modern English a different word. In fact, unlike crappy little French and German, Early Modern English had not three but four words: yea and nay, yes and no.

If I asked you a grammatically negative question like 'don't you have a clue what I'm talking about?', you would answer 'yes' (I get it) or 'no' (what are you on about?). But if I asked you more normally, 'do you understand what I'm saying', you would answer 'yea' (I'm not a moron) or 'nay' (you're talking gibberish).

Not only is this quite cool, but it's amazing how I could have lived such a long life without ever knowing it.

What is also cool is that we have a convention in English that you can take one of any number of vowel or nasalised vowel sounds and use them to mean either 'yes' or 'no' depending on whether you cut the sound in two with a voiceless breath (which will mean 'yes') or a glottal stop (which will mean no). This is often written as, for example, 'uh-huh' vs. 'uh-uh'.

Also cool: Finnish has no words for 'yes' and 'no'. They merely answer the questions: "Did you hear?" "I heard". Cures any possible ambiguity issues.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Oot and Aboot

Jephthah then called together the men of Gilead and fought against Ephraim. The Gileadites struck them down because the Ephraimites had said, "You Gileadites are renegades from Ephraim and Manasseh." The Gileadites captured the fords of the Jordan leading to Ephraim, and whenever a survivor of Ephraim said, "Let me cross over," the men of Gilead asked him, "Are you an Ephraimite?" If he replied, "No," they said, "All right, say 'Shibboleth.' " He said, "Sibboleth," because he could not pronounce the word correctly, they seized him and killed him at the fords of the Jordan. Forty-two thousand Ephraimites were killed at that time.


Judges 12:4-6

For those that don't know, this Biblical quote is the source of a word in linguistics terminology. Because the Gileadites and the Ephraimites had a slightly different accent, during war they were able to discern one from another by how they pronounced the word 'shibboleth' (as I recall it means 'stalk of wheat' or some such but it doesn't matter). So to us today, a shibboleth is a word that immediately identifies a person as coming from one region or another.

To the world at large, Anglophone Canadians are, of course, not immediately discernable from our American neighbours. Abroad, people who fancy themselves experts on accents will often say to me, "So, what part of the States are you from?", hoping that their identification of me as an American will please me. As I'm not, it rather doesn't please me, but unlike a lot of Canadians, I don't go into a storming rage about it either. It's a natural mistake. It's no big deal.

A lot of Canadians have, themselves, developed a lot of pot-ey-to/pot-ah-to style shibboleths to detect Americans among us. A lot of Canadians, for example, cling to our pronunciation of the last letter of the alphabet as a matter of extreme importance - to them, saying 'zee' is tantamount to treason. None of these are universal at all (many Americans use the so-called 'Canadian' form and many Canadians the so-called 'American' form, plus the so-called 'Canadian' form tends actually to be British), but to many English-speaking Canadians, the following questions of pronunciation, spelling or vocabulary are of prime importance:
  • Can: "zed" vs. USA: "zee".
  • Can: "colour" vs. USA: "color".
  • Can: "pop" vs. USA: "soda".
  • Can: "hos-tayl" vs. USA: "hos-tull".
  • Can: "route" (rhymes with "boot") vs. USA "route" (rhymes with "bout").
  • Can: "tap" vs. USA: "faucet" (or is it the other way round?).
  • Can: "hydro" vs. USA: "electricity".
  • Can: "eh?" vs. USA: "huh?".
  • Can: "eh?" vs. USA: "isn't it?".
  • Can: "eh?" vs. USA: "Hello, how are you?".
  • Can: "eh?" vs. USA: half of the dictionary.
  • Can: "Pardon me." vs. USA: "Hey, what's your problem, buddy? You lookin' for some of this? Come on, I ain't afraid of you, punk".
Oddly enough, however, the clearest difference - which a good many of Americans are aware of - is completely rejected by us. I know I always did. I had read many an American book about dialects making reference to Canadians saying "oot and aboot" and was completely mystified by it. I had also read one or two British books about dialects that claimed Canadians said "oat and a boat". I was further mystified.

"We say these words correctly!" I shouted. "The rest of the world pronounces them wrongly!"

Passersby sheltered their children from me and crossed the street to walk on the other side, away from me.

Turns out they're right. Now that I'm a 'professional linguist' (okay, I'm not, but it sounds as impressive as 'professional macramé maker' or 'professional sandwich artist', doesn't it?), I can confirm the truth: we do, indeed say these words funny.

Or rather, the rest of the world pronounces them funny and only we pronounce them correctly. These things are relative (shelter your children).

You see, in the non-Canadian English speaking world, the vowel in 'ow', 'out' and 'loud' is the same vowel (actually, it's a 'diphthong'). In Canada it's different. If I could be bothered with Unicode, I could impress you with my knowledge of flashy 'international phonetic alphabet' characters, but it doesn't, so you'll have to take my word for it when I say that a Canadian tends to pronounce 'out' differently. Here's a primer:

Pronounce the 'a' in 'cat' (the IPA symbol is a groovy Siamese-Twin 'a' and 'e') and slide it into the 'oo' sound that you make while admiring impressive phonetic explanations. You're now saying 'ow', and if you do it falsetto, prepubescent boys will run from you in terror. To be a non-Canadian, just stick a 't' on the end and you're saying 'out'.

However, if you want to 'go native' next time you find yourself in Moosonee, Ontario or on the third line of any Florida NHL team, you need to pronounce the 'u' in 'cup' (the IPA symbol is an ungroovy upside-down 'v') and slide it into your 'oo' sound before capping a 't' on the end and calling it 'out', Canadian-style. For those who are really bored, this rule applies to the 'ou' diphthong before all unvoiced consonants, so to a Canadian, the vowels in 'house' and 'houses' are different, even though the second word is just the plural form of the first. If you're ever in doubt (not daaa-uuut), just ask the person you're speaking to to pronounce the word 'house' in its singular and plural forms. If he pronounces the vowel the same, he's quite clearly a non-Canadian and you should seize him and kill him at the fords of the Jordan immediately. If he looks at you all confused and asks what 'singular' and 'plural' mean, he's definitely a Canadian. Buy him a beer. But none of that wussy American stuff. (Side note: how is American beer like making love in a canoe?)

So you see? Definitely not 'oot' but still different. Similarly, the vowels in 'write' and 'ride' are pronounced differently in Canada. So now you know. Even though I'm sure you don't actually recall wanting to know...

Note: in other countries, people tend to differentiate themselves from their neighbours with silly minutae like different religions, different foods, different cultures, millenia of conflict and past attempts at mutual genocide. This is, of course, the North American Difference, where we dwell on what's really important in life...

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Uu Kanata

Have you ever heard of 'Uu Kanata'? It's the National Anthem in Inuktitut, an official language in Canada. Wikipedia has it in Syllabics and transliterated into our alphabet, but they don't have a translation. Still, what they have is beautiful. Canadian Aboriginal Syllabics are a thing of beauty, and transliterated, those knotty long words look like mystical spells. Dig it, if your Unicode can handle it:
ᐆ ᑲᓇᑕ!

ᓇᖕᒥᓂ ᓄᓇᕗᑦ!
ᐱᖁᔭᑏ ᓇᓚᑦᑎᐊᖅᐸᕗᑦ.
ᐊᖏᒡᓕᕙᓪᓕᐊᔪᑎ,
ᓴᙱᔪᓗᑎᓪᓗ.
ᓇᖏᖅᐳᒍ, ᐆ ᑲᓇᑕ,
ᒥᐊᓂᕆᑉᓗᑎ.
ᐆ ᑲᓇᑕ! ᓄᓇᑦᓯᐊ!
ᓇᖏᖅᐳᒍ ᒥᐊᓂᕆᑉᓗᑎ,
ᐆ ᑲᓇᑕ, ᓴᓚᒋᔭᐅᖁᓇ!

Uu Kanata!
Nangmini nunavut!
Piqujatii nalattiaqpavut.
Angiglivalliajuti,
Sanngijulutillu.
Nangiqpugu, Uu Kanata,
Mianiripluti.
Uu Kanata! nunatsia!
Nangiqpugu mianiripluti,
Uu Kanata, salagijauquna!

I tried singing along, but it doesn't flow off my tongue, alas.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The New Democrats - en français!

I know I'm guilty of 'thinking in English' here. I don't claim to be doing anything else. I'm hardly an expert.

But I really don't get 'Nouveau Parti démocratique'. I mean I don't quite understand how the name 'New Democratic Party' translates into French.

I half get it. I remember enough of my high school French to recall that some adjectives come before nouns, like 'nouveau', and some come after, like 'démocratique'. You could say 'C'est un nouveau parti', or 'C'est un parti démocratique'. Fine.

But that seems to imply that the Nouveau Parti démocratique is a party with is both nouveau and démocratique. Like Barack Obama's party is the original one, and this is the 'new one'. 'Democratic Party, Part II'.

Personally, though, I've always understood the party name not to mean 'Democrats: The Next Generation' so much as 'the Party of New Democrats', the party of people who believe in a kind of 'new democracy. After all, supporters call themselves 'New Democrats', with no sense that the 'new' there describes them as individuals or points out some kind of novelty within the party.

That being the case then, it feels to me - it's always felt to me - as if the party's French name ought to be the 'Parti nouveau démocratique'. Or perhaps the 'Parti nouveau-démocratique' (with that sexy hyphen). But why isn't it?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

"Obviously, I had diarrhea and was with my words": the Charlie Sheen Google Translate Quiz Answers


So yesterday we looked at the Madness of Charlie Sheen, taking fifteen of his choicest quotes and putting them through Google Translate, translating them across five languages and then back into English in order to see if gobbletygook becomes more comprehensible when machine-translated into a fine purée. The answer is 'not really', but it still makes for a fascinating read. Here we go...
  1. "It can not happen, it is cancer." - l. "Can’t is the cancer of happen." This is my personal favourite Chalie Sheenism. I like how Google Translate took the main three things in the sentence (can't, cancer, happen) and merely rearranged them.
  2. "I am the drug name. Charlie Sheen. Not available." - i. "I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available." This one didn't change appreciably. It's the first half of a two-part quote. The second half is down below.
  3. "I have lied to a patient? I'm healing in my mind." - b. "I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain." Google gets the second half of this more or less correct, but the first half is just awesome. 'Disease' becomes 'patient', and Sheen's curseword becomes 'lie'.
  4. "I do not live in a place that can kill, and you feel ashamed... Queen of the Party is simply not an option." - c. "I don’t live in the middle anymore, thats where you get slaughtered, that’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen and I just... it’s just not an option." It's the prom queen, and how that becomes Queen of the Party, that makes me like this one. This is actually a pretty faithful translation.
  5. "I pretended to rock star beautiful on the surface of Mars." - k. "I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars." Seems to me the fact that he's tired is the most important part of the quote, inasmuch as he's trying to say... to say something. Nonetheless, it's the 'surface of Mars' that's great here.
  6. "I'm not bipolar, I have twice this forever." - d. "I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there." Unfortunately, Google Translate messed up on what ultimately will be Charlie Sheen's most famous quote. The only thing it got was 'bi' meaning 'two'. Everything else has disappeared.
  7. "We have a soft goal was 2.0 million bags of food and ghost ship." - e. "We gobbled the soft target that was 2.0 mil like a bag of troll-house zombie chow." This is a tweet from history's fastest-growing Twitter account. It was the 'troll-house zombie chow' that intrigued me - what would Google make of it? Well, 'gobbled' disappeared, but we got two million bags of food and - somehow - we got a ghost ship.
  8. "You're going to deal with the tsunami, and said 'I'm not a bitch is a dream.'" - n. "You ride down the face of a tsunami and tell me you don't feel bitchin'. This is the dream." Google did odd work on the tenses here, but otherwise the highlight is 'I'm not a bitch'.
  9. "It melts and facilities to mourn his body exploded." - a. "Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." This is the second half of the 'drug called Charlie Sheen' quote. What's impressive is how the translator got 'mourn' - to translate 'weep' into 'mourn' requires actually understanding the sentence, which it seems Google more or less can. 'Facilities' is peculiar, though.
  10. "I broke one of my tone sorsye of great white shark and killed. Irritates me like hell, and they took them." - o. "I chipped one of my warlock fangs on a great white shark I had to murder. Pissed me off and like an ass I took it out on her." Google is unfortunately incapable of dealing with 'warlock fangs' - who among us is, frankly? And we get 'tone sorsye' instead, whatever that is. 'Irritates me like hell' is frankly well done, though.
  11. "He said, 'I had a stupid troll tried.' Internal flash soft goal before the first cup of coffee for me." - g. "I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee." This is without a doubt the most verbally dextrous Charlie Sheen will ever get. I have no clue what 'strafing runs in my underwear' means, but it's enough to blow poor Google's mind, leaving it with 'internal flash' - not the same thing at all.
  12. "Obviously, I had diarrhea and was with my words. Imagine what you could do with a point and shoot to breathe." - f. "Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists." Now this is the meat and potatoes of why Google Translate is so much fun. Somewhere in between those five languages, something idiomatic must occur to take this one into strange places. So in which language does 'defeating an earthworm' have to do with having diarrhea? And is it the same one where 'fire and fists' evokes the camera term 'point and shoot'?
  13. "I do not think people will give their comments with a sense of love and violence." - h. "I don’t think people are ready for the message I’m delivering and delivering with a sense of violent love." - Messianic nonsense, except for the beautiful image of 'violent love' (surely that'll be the name of a movie one day). Google misunderstands 'ready for', and that screws up the translation, but it's not horrid.
  14. "This is good news so guilty like many types of whales, a day of great joy and Valley Office trusted, because now I can not bazillions you do not have to return to kindergarten whatshisc and is not included in the wizard is not a trick of national monuments." - j. "This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc–k again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension." This, Sheen's reaction to being fired by Warner Bros., is the longest quote here, and what's brilliant is how 'terrestrial dimension' becomes 'national monuments' and - especially - how 'put on those silly shirts' becomes 'return to kindergarten'. Inexplicable.
  15. "I do not think I could do something, so I had to go a certain way because it was written for ordinary people who are not special .. people who have blood and DNA from the tiger Adonis." - m. "I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA." Actually Google does really well with this one, but what I love is how 'tiger blood' and 'Adonis DNA' go from two discrete claims to one doubly-awesome one: 'blood and DNA from the tiger Adonis'. Surely 'The Tiger Adonis' would make a great cinematic sequel to 'Violent Love'.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"Obviously, I had diarrhea and was with my words": the Charlie Sheen Google Translate Quiz


Over the past few weeks, Charlie Sheen has bequeathed to us a legacy of rather awesome soundbites that generations from now people will still cherish. It's tough not to marvel at his particular genius for twisting the English language into previously-unseen shapes.

Of course, Charlie Sheen's pronouncements seem odd only in light of the fact that they are, by necessity, rendered in a terrestrial language. I'm sure in the language Sheen speaks in his mind, these pronouncements have not only the poetry but also the truth of the Qur'an in classical Arabic.

Or perhaps they're just in code... perhaps Kabbalists of the future will find a code to decipher Charlie Sheen and to 'unlock' the hidden messages within.

With our limited terrestrial minds, we can only take stabs at the mind of Sheen. But in an attempt to decode his secret message, I've decided to enlist Google Translate. While Google Translate can shift back and forth between dozens of languages, it unfortunately lacks a Bitchin'-Rock-Star-from-Mars to Englosh option, or a Tigerblood to English option. So here's what I've done:
  • I've taken it on faith that Charlie Sheen's pronouncements can best be described as "English",
  • I've then used Google to translate them into Spanish, the language of Sheen's grandfather,
  • From there, I've translated the results into Hebrew, in honour of Sheen's newfound Judaism,
  • Then I've translated it into Krèyol, in honour of Sheen's plans to go to Haiti,
  • Then I've translated those results into Vietnamese, in honour of Sheen's role in Platoon,
  • And then from there into Russian, in honour of Red Dawn,
  • And from there, back into English. Or rather I shouldn't say 'back', because hopefully this will reveal for the first time the true Charlie Sheen-to-English translation...
Or so I'd hoped. The results are word-soup, of course. But somehow they're neither more nor less incomprehensible than the originals. In the spirit of gameplay, I'm presenting ten particularly juicy strands of Adonis DNA and asking you to match them up with their originals. As that's not that difficult and exercise, I encourage you to try them all without looking at the originals (which are located below, in mixed-up order), and then match the 'translations' to the originals as listed below. The answers? You'll find them here tomorrow.
  1. "It can not happen, it is cancer."
  2. "I am the drug name. Charlie Sheen. Not available."
  3. "I have lied to a patient? I'm healing in my mind."
  4. "I do not live in a place that can kill, and you feel ashamed... Queen of the Party is simply not an option."
  5. "I pretended to rock star beautiful on the surface of Mars."
  6. "I'm not bipolar, I have twice this forever."
  7. "We have a soft goal was 2.0 million bags of food and ghost ship."
  8. "You're going to deal with the tsunami, and said 'I'm not a bitch is a dream.'"
  9. "It melts and facilities to mourn his body exploded."
  10. "I broke one of my tone sorsye of great white shark and killed. Irritates me like hell, and they took them."
  11. "He said, 'I had a stupid troll tried.' Internal flash soft goal before the first cup of coffee for me."
  12. "Obviously, I had diarrhea and was with my words. Imagine what you could do with a point and shoot to breathe."
  13. "I do not think people will give their comments with a sense of love and violence."
  14. "This is good news so guilty like many types of whales, a day of great joy and Valley Office trusted, because now I can not bazillions you do not have to return to kindergarten whatshisc and is not included in the wizard is not a trick of national monuments."
  15. "I do not think I could do something, so I had to go a certain way because it was written for ordinary people who are not special .. people who have blood and DNA from the tiger Adonis."
Who would have thought Charlie Sheen was actually describing his bowel movements and telling people not to go to kindergarten? Well, as I said, I don't think the originals, from the mouth of Sheen himself, are any more comprehensible, really. Here they are, in a mixed order:
  1. "Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
  2. "I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain."
  3. "I don’t live in the middle anymore, thats where you get slaughtered, that’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen and I just... it’s just not an option."
  4. "I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there."
  5. "We gobbled the soft target that was 2.0 mil like a bag of troll-house zombie chow."
  6. "Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."
  7. "I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee."
  8. "I don’t think people are ready for the message I’m delivering and delivering with a sense of violent love."
  9. "I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available."
  10. "This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc–k again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension."
  11. "I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars."
  12. "Can’t is the cancer of happen."
  13. "I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
  14. "You ride down the face of a tsunami and tell me you don't feel bitchin'. This is the dream."
  15. "I chipped one of my warlock fangs on a great white shark I had to murder. Pissed me off and like an ass I took it out on her."
The answers will be here tomorrow, delivered with a sense of violent love.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Toronto Shibboleth


How do you know if a singer is from Toronto? Because he mentions it in his songs? No -Falco mentioned Toronto in 'Vienna Calling', and no one would have ever confused him with a resident of (ahem) 'T-Dot.'

No, it's not merely saying the name 'Toronto'; it's saying it in a very particular way. Note the rhyme schemes of these two songs from Torontonians down the ages:
"Hey little Donna, I still want to
You said to ring you up when I was in Toronto"

- The Kings, "The Beat Goes On / Switchin' to Glide"

Or:
"I said a lot of things that I can't take back
But I don't really know if I want to
There've been songs about love, I sang songs about war
Since the backstreets of Toronto"

- Neil Young, "Love and War"

If you've never heard these songs sung, that might confuse you even more. How can Toronto rhyme with 'want to'? 'Want toe', perhaps. I had an English friend tell me recently that he thought 'Toronto' should be pronounced to rhyme with 'tomato', which also confuses the issue until you remember how the English pronounce that fruit/vegetable.

Anyway, in both these songs, 'want to' is pronounced as is commonly written 'wanna'. Which allows it to rhyme quite comfortably with Toronto, as pronounced by almost all Torontonians - a pronunciation that seems excessivley slangy or uneducated to non-Torontonians but that ultimately ought to be considered the correct pronunciation.


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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

"Yumi, Yumi, Yumi"






The Republic of Vanuatu is a group of islands in the Pacific. Perhaps because back in prehistory they were inordinately fond of building tall buildings, they have the intriguing situation of having some 110 languages native to their republic. Oh, by the way, the population is 211,000 people. That means one language for every two thousand people.

As this is a rather crazy situation, the English and French empires, as they were wont to do, decided to 'help out' the poor people of Vanuatu overcome their language issue by forcing them all to speak English and French. As you know, the English and French empires were very kind.

In any case, what happened in Vanuatu, as in much of the Pacific and large parts of Africa and the Americas, was the development of a so-called 'pidgin' - a kind of simplified form of a language designed to be easy to learn and useful for practical communications (due to the nature of European activity there, the pidgin was not often used to say "What is your opinion of the epistemology of Transcendental Idealism as proposed by Immanuel Kant?" and more often used to say "Hey you! Keep digging!"). What can happen to pidgins is that they can become native languages for certain people and then become much more complex. At this point linguists call them 'creoles', though most people who speak them still use the word 'pidgin'.

The Republic of Vanuatu has three official languages now: French, English and Bislama. Bislama is the modern form of the pidgin that the Europeans (especially the English) introduced to those islands. A few examples from Wikipedia:
  • "Mi wantem bia" ("I want beer")
  • "Mi save toktok langwis bislama" ("I can speak Bislama")
  • "Sapos yumitufala i faenem pig, yumitufala i kilim hem i ded" ("If we find a pig, we'll kill it")
  • And my favourite, this Bislama description of the concept of "globalism": "wan samting wea ol kantri long world olgeta exchangem sam samting witem ol difren countries, i bekeken ol man oli go long difren ples long wol, oli fri go wok long difren ples, i ol man oli sharem ol difren idia tua bekeken" (I don't know what 'bekeken' is supposed to mean).

The 'linguist' in me tries to be as open-minded as possible and recognise the importance and practicality of pidgins. The ethnocentric within me, however, still finds pidgins damn funny.

To indulge in the second 'me', let me introduce you to the National Anthem of this fine country. It's called "Yumi, yumi, yumi", though it's not written to rhyme with "I've got love in my tummy" - it's actually pronounced "you-me" and, mathematics being good in Vanuatu, means "we". So the anthem 'translates' to "We, we, we" and has the following words (I'm sure you'll all be familiar with the melody from Vanuatu's many Olympic successes):

"Yumi, Yumi, Yumi"

CHORUS:

Yumi, yumi, yumi i glad long talem se
Yumi, yumi, yumi ol man blong Vanuatu

God i givim ples ya long yumi,
Yumi glat tumas long hem,
Yumi strong mo yumi fri long hem,
Yumi brata evriwan!

CHORUS

Plante fasin blong bifo i stap,
Plante fasin blong tedei,
Be yumi i olsem wan nomo,
Hemia fasin blong yumi!

CHORUS

Yumi save plante wok i stap,
Long ol aelan blong yumi,
God i helpem yumi evriwan,
Hem i papa blong yumi,

CHORUS

Note the rather 'free' approach to rhythm and rhyme... Anyway, this 'translates' to standard English as follows:

"We, We, We"

CHORUS:

We, We, We are happy to proclaim
We, We, We are the People of Vanuatu!

God has given us this land;
This gives us great cause for rejoicing.
We are strong, we are free in this land;
We are all brothers.

CHORUS

We have many traditions
And we are finding new ways.
Now we shall be one Person,
We shall be united for ever.

CHORUS

We know there is much work to be done
On all our islands.
God helps all of us,
He is our father

CHORUS

You know, to be honest, seeing as how I've never really been much for the concept of romantic nationalism in any case, I must admit that, funny as I find this national anthem, I can't really see why "Yumi brata evriwan!" should be any less stirring to the soul than, say, "And the rockets' red glare, the bombs' bursting in air gave proof through the night that our flag was still there" or "Send her victorious, happy and glorious, long to reign o'er us!"

In the end, if it brings tears to the eyes of these 211,000 people as they stand up before sporting events, who am I to say anything?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Wikipedia in Various Languages

Wikipedia exists in a stunningly large number of languages, some of which have over three and a half million articles, some of which have only one or two (on a side note, how can there actually be three and a half million things worthy of a Wikipedia page?) Most of them also have their handy local variation of the 3D jigsaw puzzle with letters from different alphabets logo. Here's a bunch I compiled because I'm bored and friendless. If you tell me you've heard of every language on this list, I shall call you a liar.





Amharic (አማርኛ).
Old English (Englisc).
Azerbaijani (Azərbaycan dili).
Samogitian (Žemaitiu kalba).
Catalan (Català).
Cherokee (ᏣᎳᎩ).
Sorani (کوردی)
Kashubian (Kaszëbsczi).
Chuvash (Чăваш).
Basque (Euskara).
Gothic.
Gujarati (ગુજરાતી).
Haitian Creole (Krèyol ayisyen).
Inuktitut (ᐃᓄᒃᑎᑐᑦ).
Ripuarian (Ripoarisch).
Maori (Māori).
Malayalam (മലയാളം).
Mongolian (Монгол).
Burmese.
Quechua (Runa Simi).
Tarantino (Tarandíne).
Telugu(తెలుగు).
Tatar (Татарча).
Vietnamese (Tiếng Việt).
Wolof (Wolof).
Yiddish (ייִדיש).
Zealandic (Zeêuws).
Chinese (中文).

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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Losing the battle

Some chicken, pork and corn in the barbequeImage via Wikipedia
I can't help feeling that the forces of good are losing an important battle... that try as we may we're just constantly losing ground to those in the wrong. To the point that I'm starting to wonder if we shouldn't just pack it in and admit bitter defeat...

The glorious struggle I refer to is as regards preserving the correct spelling of the word 'barbecue'. For years now I've seen 'barbeque' (sic) graduate from a sign of poor education to an accepted 'alternate' spelling to what I fear might by now be a majority spelling. The fact that pronouncing that spelling any way other than 'barbekay' breaks orthographic rules in any of several languages seems to do nothing to dissuade people from believing that the initialism 'BBQ' in some way is a shortened form of the word's correct spelling. These people probably also write 'eazy' for similar reasons.

I felt like giving in the towel after seeong a bag of chips today that used the q misspelling on it: an officially packaged product, no the less. More frustrating, it had the correct spelling on the French part of the packaging. So the people who made the chips are at least aware that the word can be spelt with a 'c'.

Sigh.

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