"Obviously, I had diarrhea and was with my words": the Charlie Sheen Google Translate Quiz Answers

So yesterday we looked at the Madness of Charlie Sheen, taking fifteen of his choicest quotes and putting them through Google Translate, translating them across five languages and then back into English in order to see if gobbletygook becomes more comprehensible when machine-translated into a fine purée. The answer is 'not really', but it still makes for a fascinating read. Here we go...

1. "It can not happen, it is cancer." - l. "Can’t is the cancer of happen." This is my personal favourite Chalie Sheenism. I like how Google Translate took the main three things in the sentence (can't, cancer, happen) and merely rearranged them.
2. "I am the drug name. Charlie Sheen. Not available." - i. "I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available." This one didn't change appreciably. It's the first half of a two-part quote. The second half is down below.
3. "I have lied to a patient? I'm healing in my mind." - b. "I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain." Google gets the second half of this more or less correct, but the first half is just awesome. 'Disease' becomes 'patient', and Sheen's curseword becomes 'lie'.
4. "I do not live in a place that can kill, and you feel ashamed... Queen of the Party is simply not an option." - c. "I don’t live in the middle anymore, thats where you get slaughtered, that’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen and I just... it’s just not an option." It's the prom queen, and how that becomes Queen of the Party, that makes me like this one. This is actually a pretty faithful translation.
5. "I pretended to rock star beautiful on the surface of Mars." - k. "I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars." Seems to me the fact that he's tired is the most important part of the quote, inasmuch as he's trying to say... to say something. Nonetheless, it's the 'surface of Mars' that's great here.
6. "I'm not bipolar, I have twice this forever." - d. "I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there." Unfortunately, Google Translate messed up on what ultimately will be Charlie Sheen's most famous quote. The only thing it got was 'bi' meaning 'two'. Everything else has disappeared.
7. "We have a soft goal was 2.0 million bags of food and ghost ship." - e. "We gobbled the soft target that was 2.0 mil like a bag of troll-house zombie chow." This is a tweet from history's fastest-growing Twitter account. It was the 'troll-house zombie chow' that intrigued me - what would Google make of it? Well, 'gobbled' disappeared, but we got two million bags of food and - somehow - we got a ghost ship.
8. "You're going to deal with the tsunami, and said 'I'm not a bitch is a dream.'" - n. "You ride down the face of a tsunami and tell me you don't feel bitchin'. This is the dream." Google did odd work on the tenses here, but otherwise the highlight is 'I'm not a bitch'.
9. "It melts and facilities to mourn his body exploded." - a. "Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." This is the second half of the 'drug called Charlie Sheen' quote. What's impressive is how the translator got 'mourn' - to translate 'weep' into 'mourn' requires actually understanding the sentence, which it seems Google more or less can. 'Facilities' is peculiar, though.
10. "I broke one of my tone sorsye of great white shark and killed. Irritates me like hell, and they took them." - o. "I chipped one of my warlock fangs on a great white shark I had to murder. Pissed me off and like an ass I took it out on her." Google is unfortunately incapable of dealing with 'warlock fangs' - who among us is, frankly? And we get 'tone sorsye' instead, whatever that is. 'Irritates me like hell' is frankly well done, though.
11. "He said, 'I had a stupid troll tried.' Internal flash soft goal before the first cup of coffee for me." - g. "I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee." This is without a doubt the most verbally dextrous Charlie Sheen will ever get. I have no clue what 'strafing runs in my underwear' means, but it's enough to blow poor Google's mind, leaving it with 'internal flash' - not the same thing at all.
12. "Obviously, I had diarrhea and was with my words. Imagine what you could do with a point and shoot to breathe." - f. "Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists." Now this is the meat and potatoes of why Google Translate is so much fun. Somewhere in between those five languages, something idiomatic must occur to take this one into strange places. So in which language does 'defeating an earthworm' have to do with having diarrhea? And is it the same one where 'fire and fists' evokes the camera term 'point and shoot'?
13. "I do not think people will give their comments with a sense of love and violence." - h. "I don’t think people are ready for the message I’m delivering and delivering with a sense of violent love." - Messianic nonsense, except for the beautiful image of 'violent love' (surely that'll be the name of a movie one day). Google misunderstands 'ready for', and that screws up the translation, but it's not horrid.
14. "This is good news so guilty like many types of whales, a day of great joy and Valley Office trusted, because now I can not bazillions you do not have to return to kindergarten whatshisc and is not included in the wizard is not a trick of national monuments." - j. "This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc–k again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension." This, Sheen's reaction to being fired by Warner Bros., is the longest quote here, and what's brilliant is how 'terrestrial dimension' becomes 'national monuments' and - especially - how 'put on those silly shirts' becomes 'return to kindergarten'. Inexplicable.
15. "I do not think I could do something, so I had to go a certain way because it was written for ordinary people who are not special .. people who have blood and DNA from the tiger Adonis." - m. "I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA." Actually Google does really well with this one, but what I love is how 'tiger blood' and 'Adonis DNA' go from two discrete claims to one doubly-awesome one: 'blood and DNA from the tiger Adonis'. Surely 'The Tiger Adonis' would make a great cinematic sequel to 'Violent Love'.