"Obviously, I had diarrhea and was with my words": the Charlie Sheen Google Translate Quiz

Over the past few weeks, Charlie Sheen has bequeathed to us a legacy of rather awesome soundbites that generations from now people will still cherish. It's tough not to marvel at his particular genius for twisting the English language into previously-unseen shapes.

Of course, Charlie Sheen's pronouncements seem odd only in light of the fact that they are, by necessity, rendered in a terrestrial language. I'm sure in the language Sheen speaks in his mind, these pronouncements have not only the poetry but also the truth of the Qur'an in classical Arabic.

Or perhaps they're just in code... perhaps Kabbalists of the future will find a code to decipher Charlie Sheen and to 'unlock' the hidden messages within.

With our limited terrestrial minds, we can only take stabs at the mind of Sheen. But in an attempt to decode his secret message, I've decided to enlist Google Translate. While Google Translate can shift back and forth between dozens of languages, it unfortunately lacks a Bitchin'-Rock-Star-from-Mars to Englosh option, or a Tigerblood to English option. So here's what I've done:

• I've taken it on faith that Charlie Sheen's pronouncements can best be described as "English",
• I've then used Google to translate them into Spanish, the language of Sheen's grandfather,
• From there, I've translated the results into Hebrew, in honour of Sheen's newfound Judaism,
• Then I've translated it into Krèyol, in honour of Sheen's plans to go to Haiti,
• Then I've translated those results into Vietnamese, in honour of Sheen's role in Platoon,
• And then from there into Russian, in honour of Red Dawn,
• And from there, back into English. Or rather I shouldn't say 'back', because hopefully this will reveal for the first time the true Charlie Sheen-to-English translation...

Or so I'd hoped. The results are word-soup, of course. But somehow they're neither more nor less incomprehensible than the originals. In the spirit of gameplay, I'm presenting ten particularly juicy strands of Adonis DNA and asking you to match them up with their originals. As that's not that difficult and exercise, I encourage you to try them all without looking at the originals (which are located below, in mixed-up order), and then match the 'translations' to the originals as listed below. The answers? You'll find them here tomorrow.

1. "It can not happen, it is cancer."
2. "I am the drug name. Charlie Sheen. Not available."
3. "I have lied to a patient? I'm healing in my mind."
4. "I do not live in a place that can kill, and you feel ashamed... Queen of the Party is simply not an option."
5. "I pretended to rock star beautiful on the surface of Mars."
6. "I'm not bipolar, I have twice this forever."
7. "We have a soft goal was 2.0 million bags of food and ghost ship."
8. "You're going to deal with the tsunami, and said 'I'm not a bitch is a dream.'"
9. "It melts and facilities to mourn his body exploded."
10. "I broke one of my tone sorsye of great white shark and killed. Irritates me like hell, and they took them."
11. "He said, 'I had a stupid troll tried.' Internal flash soft goal before the first cup of coffee for me."
12. "Obviously, I had diarrhea and was with my words. Imagine what you could do with a point and shoot to breathe."
13. "I do not think people will give their comments with a sense of love and violence."
14. "This is good news so guilty like many types of whales, a day of great joy and Valley Office trusted, because now I can not bazillions you do not have to return to kindergarten whatshisc and is not included in the wizard is not a trick of national monuments."
15. "I do not think I could do something, so I had to go a certain way because it was written for ordinary people who are not special .. people who have blood and DNA from the tiger Adonis."

Who would have thought Charlie Sheen was actually describing his bowel movements and telling people not to go to kindergarten? Well, as I said, I don't think the originals, from the mouth of Sheen himself, are any more comprehensible, really. Here they are, in a mixed order:

1. "Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
2. "I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain."
3. "I don’t live in the middle anymore, thats where you get slaughtered, that’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen and I just... it’s just not an option."
4. "I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there."
5. "We gobbled the soft target that was 2.0 mil like a bag of troll-house zombie chow."
6. "Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."
7. "I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee."
8. "I don’t think people are ready for the message I’m delivering and delivering with a sense of violent love."
9. "I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available."
10. "This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc–k again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension."
11. "I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars."
12. "Can’t is the cancer of happen."
13. "I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
14. "You ride down the face of a tsunami and tell me you don't feel bitchin'. This is the dream."
15. "I chipped one of my warlock fangs on a great white shark I had to murder. Pissed me off and like an ass I took it out on her."

The answers will be here tomorrow, delivered with a sense of violent love.